We think everybody thinks and operates in the same world that we do, but that’s not the case. They’ve got their own worlds. We all come to the table with different agendas, beliefs, values, and tactics. Instead of wasting effort trying to get them to come around to us, we have to go to them. Study who they are and what they want. What motivates and inspires you may completely turn off the person with whom you are dealing. You may be motivated by altruism, he may be turned on by money. You may respond to a promotion, she might rather have an extra week off.
We all think the world revolves around us, but we rarely consider the fact that everybody thinks that. I’ll bet you a hundred bucks that 99 percent of the seemingly self-evolved people in this book went straight to the index to look at the pages about themselves first. It’s only natural. The last time you saw a group photo that you were in, whose face did you check out first? Then, why is it that you expect people you deal with to see things from the same vantage that you do? They don’t, because they aren’t you.
Other people generally aren’t worried about your goals, needs, and wants.They are worried about their goals, needs, and wants. If you are looking for ways to work with them effectively, why not figure out how to make them feel appreciated, and help them get what they want? You’ve got to travel to the other person’s world to see the issue through their eyes. What does he or she want? Why? What is he or she right about? If you were in that position, what would you need in order to feel valued and appreciated? Instead of harping on what divides you, see what unites you, remembering that win-win is always better than win-lose.
When you play win-lose, you win a war, but you also win an enemy. What good is that? Sometimes it takes years to get beyond the post-battle feelings of hurt, anger, rejection, or humiliation. Some people do have that ability to do battle, then go out for beers together, but some people don’t. Actually, a lot of people don’t. Think about the spats you’ve had with friends, neighbors, co-workers, and other associates. You probably can’t remember everything that has happened, but you can remember enough examples of conflict to prove the point that you might forgive, but not forget. When someone wins something at your expense, there’s a possibility you won’t forgive or forget. If you wind up winning now and paying later, then you haven’t won anything. Win-win is so much better